Validate Me

Recently, via a questionable Facebook post and the intervention of – well, let’s just call  it the universe and leave it  at that –  it was brought to my attention that I am constantly in search of  – *gasp* – VALIDATION. Initially, the realization mostly concerned my need for my parenting practices and choices to be validated. I can easily explain that phenomenon,  simply by alluding to the battles I have unwittingly sparked, beginning during my pregnancy when I announced my decision to use cloth diapers, breastfeed *as long as the baby wanted* and allow the child to sleep close to us. Once Leo made his appearance, the battles, and the criticism escalated, until I suffered from such a terrible case of “defensive crunchy Mama-ism” that I became one of *those* horrible, judgmental “natural” sancti-Mommies. And then – reality beat the crud out of me and left me confused,  humbled and desperately seeking – validation. Ok, so that all makes sense, right? Well, it does. And it’s TRUE. But as I mulled things over, another, extremely difficult to swallow realization made it’s way into my conscious and has refused to make an exit. In therapy, over the past few months, my lovely counselor has introduced the concept to me of a “frozen need” that is causing me to partake in an endless round of unrealistic expectations, desperate hope, self – sabotage and ultimately, crushing sadness and depression. Until now, WHAT form that “need” took alluded me. Until last night at about 2am. In the ultimate “duoh” moment, it finally all fit together. I spent  my childhood attempting to reach  high –  and when I say high, I mean, REALLY high – expectations, and surrounded by endless demands and very few moments of true acceptance. I’ve never “fit in”. Anywhere. I consistently find myself in one sided, demanding relationships, and I am ALWAYS desperately trying to “prove” my RIGHT to be treated as an equal – to any and everybody. I vividly remember telling someone that I felt like a “second rate human” as a child, and I honestly, ALWAYS feel that I should put others ahead of myself, to an extreme that leaves me broken, exhausted and barely functional. See where this is going? The “Aha moment” of my desperate need for acceptance and validation has brought me to a place of semi-peace, in this moment anyway. I’m not 100% sure where this will lead me, but every small understanding, no matter how tiny, at least lets me know I’m getting somewhere.  I am slowly beginning to make sense to myself, and ultimately, to be in control of what I DO with these needs and thoughts I’m carrying around.

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2 thoughts on “Validate Me

  1. I can’t even tell you how much I relate to how you feel and the whole seeking validation and needing to be right thing… It’s hard being “different” from the mainstream and doing what you KNOW is best for your baby… Good on you for breastfeeding, co sleeping, and cloth diapering!!!! We have much in common!!! : ) (Do you home birth too!!?) lol…

    • I am so glad! It renews my blogging energy to find other like minded Mama’s, and to hear that they actually LIKE my writing! It can get lonely being “weird”… Home birth is my next frontier, LOL! I have always been “hippie-ish” due to my raising, and just how my brain works, I guess, but having children always seemed so far in the future that I never really considered how my crunchy tendencies would impact my parenting choices – so when I discovered I was pregnant, although I immediately went searching for parenting ideas and concepts that felt “right” – I wasn’t able to muster the information or resources on home birth until AFTER Leo’s birth. I birthed in the local hospital, and despite having a relatively “good” birth experience, I can quantifiably say, I will never do so again. From here on in, it’s home or birth center for this Mama! I did have a fabulous Mid-wife, though, and that, I think, was my saving grace 😀 You know what – I think this needs to be a post, yes? I haven’t touched on my birth experience here yet – I think it’s past time I did so!

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